Friday, September 26, 2014
My Final Blog Post
As I sit here and struggle to write my final post and end my blog, I am filled with sadness and tears. It is not by choice, but rather, too many people at the Synod level feel that I am doing more harm than good; and “strongly encourage” me to end the blog. It has become painfully clear that no one wants the victim’s side to go public… doing that only creates more problems for the church and is extremely sinful for me to do. I honestly never meant for that to happen. I simply wanted to connect with other victims for my own healing, and I didn’t know how to find any; except to reach out.
To other victims, DON’T EVER come forward and report it… especially don’t ever tell anyone in the church what happened. The pain it causes you to come forward and report it to the church, will be more than you can bear, and will seriously drive you to suicide. The pain of pouring out my heart trying to help other victims will be the death of me; because I was told that by doing that, I was harming the Synod and its pastors instead. How can I possibly live with myself knowing all of the harm that I did to the Synod when I was onlytrying to help other victims? I can’t. I haven’t stopped crying for days now because I have received so many emails from various Synod people stating that I am harming both pastors & the Synod with my writing; and by allowing other victims to write.
By coming forward and trying to help other victims recognize the red flags, I caused damage to the church…just like I did when I let that pastor do that to me. I destroyed God’s kingdom then with sexual sins and, once again, I’m told, not by one or two, but several at the Synod level that I am causing damage to the church, with writing and by allowing other victims to write. I am so sorry. There is no way God will even want me back now after I destroyed his kingdom twice. I ruined any remote chance I ever had to come back to God. I am too ashamed and guilt-ridden now to ever approach God again.
When I started writing, I did it for me. I honestly thought only other victims would read my story about loss of faith and how this destroyed me. I wanted my pain to have some meaning and to do some good in the world so I could have value again and not feel worthless after all the sexual sin I caused at the hands of the pastor but apparently I can’t even do that right… it damages the church and pastors when I try. I can’t live with myself knowing I did that. No one wants to hear from the victim... it’s too much of a disruption for the church. I am so sorry.
It felt so good to release the bottled up pain and hurt. I felt like I could finally bury my dirty secret and start healing. I also did it because I blame myself more than I even blame the pastor – I don’t know why I was so stupid and didn’t recognize it, but I was. And because I was, I wanted to write so other potential victims could recognize the signs earlier than I did. Maybe it would have saved them from the emotional and spiritual hell that I am in.
To the Synod, and all those who contacted me, I am sorry for the harm that I caused you with my writing and by allowing others to write. I didn’t mean to hurt the Synod and its pastors. I will stop writing the blog, keep my mouth shut, and tell all other victims who I run across to not make the same mistake I did by trying to speak up.
Victims, if you can learn one thing from all of this, and the pain I feel now...it's DON'T speak up to the church. If you do, you will feel a thousand times worse. I would sell my soul right now if I could take back reporting anything to the church or speaking up to help other victims. The worst mistake I ever made in life was thinking I should report it to the church.
To other victims, DON’T EVER come forward and report it… especially don’t ever tell anyone in the church what happened. The pain it causes you to come forward and report it to the church, will be more than you can bear, and will seriously drive you to suicide. The pain of pouring out my heart trying to help other victims will be the death of me; because I was told that by doing that, I was harming the Synod and its pastors instead. How can I possibly live with myself knowing all of the harm that I did to the Synod when I was onlytrying to help other victims? I can’t. I haven’t stopped crying for days now because I have received so many emails from various Synod people stating that I am harming both pastors & the Synod with my writing; and by allowing other victims to write.
By coming forward and trying to help other victims recognize the red flags, I caused damage to the church…just like I did when I let that pastor do that to me. I destroyed God’s kingdom then with sexual sins and, once again, I’m told, not by one or two, but several at the Synod level that I am causing damage to the church, with writing and by allowing other victims to write. I am so sorry. There is no way God will even want me back now after I destroyed his kingdom twice. I ruined any remote chance I ever had to come back to God. I am too ashamed and guilt-ridden now to ever approach God again.
When I started writing, I did it for me. I honestly thought only other victims would read my story about loss of faith and how this destroyed me. I wanted my pain to have some meaning and to do some good in the world so I could have value again and not feel worthless after all the sexual sin I caused at the hands of the pastor but apparently I can’t even do that right… it damages the church and pastors when I try. I can’t live with myself knowing I did that. No one wants to hear from the victim... it’s too much of a disruption for the church. I am so sorry.
It felt so good to release the bottled up pain and hurt. I felt like I could finally bury my dirty secret and start healing. I also did it because I blame myself more than I even blame the pastor – I don’t know why I was so stupid and didn’t recognize it, but I was. And because I was, I wanted to write so other potential victims could recognize the signs earlier than I did. Maybe it would have saved them from the emotional and spiritual hell that I am in.
To the Synod, and all those who contacted me, I am sorry for the harm that I caused you with my writing and by allowing others to write. I didn’t mean to hurt the Synod and its pastors. I will stop writing the blog, keep my mouth shut, and tell all other victims who I run across to not make the same mistake I did by trying to speak up.
Victims, if you can learn one thing from all of this, and the pain I feel now...it's DON'T speak up to the church. If you do, you will feel a thousand times worse. I would sell my soul right now if I could take back reporting anything to the church or speaking up to help other victims. The worst mistake I ever made in life was thinking I should report it to the church.