Monday, August 18, 2014
"Normal" doesn't automatically equal safe
The “normal” pastor may develop a gradual and "sexually inappropriate" relationship with a vulnerable person during a stressful time in his own life. About half the time these men also abuse alcohol. If the pastor has an alcohol problem, family disruptions, or a parish dynamic of secrecy and closed process, it is important to be alert to the possibility that he could succumb to this temptation. - Soul Stealing: Power Relations in Pastoral Sexual Abuse
All of these were present in my situation: he liked to drink; he had family problems; I was vulnerable because of the situation at home; the church dynamic was engulfed in secrecy; and he struggled with both pornography and sexual addictions. That combination was a disaster...for both of us. It certainly succeeded in killing us both spiritually.
Porn was more important to him than even his own spiritual welfare. He confided many times to me that he never read his bible anymore or studied God's Word. I always wondered why no one ever picked up on the fact that the pastor always seemed to be in a "depressed state of mind". No one ever questioned why he seemed "sad" all the time.
When things were at the low point, he would spend 4-5 hours per day looking at porn. Then, add everything that was happening with me on top that. When all was said and done, the bulk of his day, every day, was consumed with sin. Everything else in his life took a back burner to porn...including his work at the church. I was relieved that he never brought out the bible during counseling because I didn't want God anyway so it was a relief that he didn't use scripture to "counsel" me.
The more he seemed not to care about our spiritual welfare the less I did. I figured if my own pastor doesn't care, then it must be no big deal if I didn't either. He knew I was delving into Satan. I commented on that many times saying... "I guess I will be in hell"...and his response was..."I guess I will be joining you".... completely void and emotionless. All of these were present in my situation: he liked to drink; he had family problems; I was vulnerable because of the situation at home; the church dynamic was engulfed in secrecy; and he struggled with both pornography and sexual addictions. That combination was a disaster...for both of us. It certainly succeeded in killing us both spiritually.
Porn was more important to him than even his own spiritual welfare. He confided many times to me that he never read his bible anymore or studied God's Word. I always wondered why no one ever picked up on the fact that the pastor always seemed to be in a "depressed state of mind". No one ever questioned why he seemed "sad" all the time.
When things were at the low point, he would spend 4-5 hours per day looking at porn. Then, add everything that was happening with me on top that. When all was said and done, the bulk of his day, every day, was consumed with sin. Everything else in his life took a back burner to porn...including his work at the church. I was relieved that he never brought out the bible during counseling because I didn't want God anyway so it was a relief that he didn't use scripture to "counsel" me.
After pornography, the next key ingredient that played a HUGE role was alcohol. If someone could have taken porn and alcohol out of the equation, I honestly don't think that it would haveever gotten to the point it did. I really don't. They were such huge factors.
Alcohol played such a critical role, in fact, that I'm going to defer on that altogether for now, because that will take an entire post in itself.
Once sexual abuse has been identified, expect minimization and denial, expect to be diverted onto issues of alcohol abuse or extreme stress.
He blamed everything, and everyone, under the sun as the “problem”. He rationalized constantly to me as to why he did it... He needed a “release” from all the stress in his life. He had conflicts at work and home. He couldn't help himself because he was addicted. He always had an excuse to take the blame off himself. And through it all, he would say that I was the only person he could turn to so if I ever said anything, then he would have no one, and his life would be over. This particular guilt trip was the worst for me because it always made me feel so trapped. I thought if I said anything it would destroy him. Not even realizing that it was destroying me instead.
Even in the situation where a "normal" pastor succumbs to temptation, women must realize that he manipulated her and abused his position of power. He was the person in authority, not the woman.Secondly, women must stop thinking of their abuser as a pastor and a "man of God" but as a sexual predator. When the predator was manipulating and abusing he was not acting like a pastor. Pastors who engage in sexual abuse are really sex offenders. That is hard for many Christians to accept. The level of evil that happens in clergy sexual abuse is just too great for many to comprehend and what it entails—for the perpetrator, the victim, the church leaders, and even the congregation in which it occurs. The sexual relationship is a sexual assault. - Sharon's Rose
I didn't realize just how incredibly difficult that previous paragraph was for me to accept until I let out a big sigh right now trying to find the words to type. This is where a "normal" person will read what I am about to write and see that I still have a long way to go in my healing process.
As often as I have read that, and as hard as I try, I just can't accept that paragraph..... even after everything that has happened. I still think of him as a "pastor". I just can not think of him as a sexual predator. I don't know why. I remember all the pain I have suffered but yet my mind still refuses to accept him as a sexual predator. That term does not seem to fit in the same sentence as the word pastor to me. Maybe someday I will understand why I am having such difficulty with that. Maybe it's because I see him needing help as much as I do, if not more.